Nobody Walks in L.A. - Part 1

Remember the song by the 80's group Missing Persons that said, "Nobody walks in L.A.?" Yup, Missing Persons, the group that was formed by Terry Bozzio, who actually played with Frank Zappa for years and was in the Prog Rock band named UK. M.P., which is what we called them back in the day, actually we didn't, I made that up, had his wife Dale Bozzio as the lead singer. Yeah, Dale Bozzio, the one with the platinum long hair with black streaks who wore metallic outfits that made her look like a stripper from some intergalactic pole dancing establishment located at exit 5 off the Milky Way.I heard that song the other day and they excluded to mention one thing...Nobody can fucking drive in L.A.! That's right I said. I grew up back East and people could drive. We dealt with all the conditions and we never had a problem with them.

Snow, now there is something that works well with an automobile. First off, you had to get all the snow off your windshield. So you would get one of those scraper things that you usually got at a gas station or from some insurance salesman that had some kind of advertising pitch on it. Oh, and they always had that fuzzy mitten thing on them. I guess to keep your hands warm. But of course you were already wearing gloves because it was -5 Fahrenheit, with the wind chill factor.

You had to love the wind chill factor. It always made your day worse. The Weather Person would say:
“Get ready for a cold day. Temperatures will be as low as 12. So bundle up!”
And then he would turn into the fucking devil. I swear his voice would go deeper and horns would pop out of his head.
“Yes, 12 degrees. But with an air stream blowing from the Northeast, these heavy gusts will make temperature with the wind chill factor, -10! So bundle up or your nose will freeze and fall off and both your legs will be amputated from the gangrene you will catch!”

But you would wake up and be get ready to brave the cold. Which when I was a kid was a great thing, because that usually meant you were going to miss school. The stupid thing was how they would tell you school was cancelled. It would be five in the morning and you would be up and listening to the radio, because if your number was announced, that meant snow ball fights and sledding all fucking day! Now when I was a kid and played in the cold my mother would put plastic bread bags on my feet before I put my boots on so my feet wouldn’t get wet. Smart move, Mom. Because wet feet lead to extreme coldness for the whole body and that can put a damper on the day. It is sort of like finding out someone you slept with had an STD. It ruins the whole experience.

So we would be up in the early morning darkness, praying that our School Snow Day number would be announced. Now I lived in the tri-state area, so basically, there were a lot of fucking schools. So the News person would start announcing every county and then follow it with a shitload of numbers:
“In Bucks County, the following school districts are closed…128, 129, 130, 131…”

It seemed to be an eternity. Numbers, numbers, counties and more fucking counties!”

Finally Camden County would be announced and I would be waiting for my number 551, to be called. My thoughts now are, they could have made it a lot easier. They could have just said:
“The only school district open today is 551! And that is your school district Steve Cooper. So while kids are making snowmen, you’re pathetic soul will be doing Mathematical tables. Oh and when kids are eating grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup, your sorry ass will be eating a shitty hot ham and cheese sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil, served by some fat lady with a hair net! Tough break for you, shit head!”

Anyway, back to that fuzzy ice chipper. It was a pain in the ass trying to put your glove in that fucking thing that resembled a ghetto mink. It was always a real tight fit, because the chippers were made for the hands of a seven year old. Finally you would get it on, and chip away the ice and get ready to hit the road, with snow tires, chains and whatever other things the Pep Boys, you know, Manny, Moe and Jack came up with to line their pockets with cash.

To be continued...