The New Celebrity Fit Club

I recently read online the upcoming cast for the VH1 show called Celebrity Fit Club. The only reason I even acknowledged it was because of something I saw the other night.

I was at a bar for a drink and the girl three seats down from me had her thong showing. No big deal, we see that all the time. I mean if you go out and don’t get a underwear shot, something must be wrong. It is a trend these days just like a woman being with another woman was a few years ago. (In fact, I think that may have been a college prerequisite.)

But the problem with this thong viewing was, she, and I'm being honest, weighed over 250 pounds. She was huge and was showing herself off like Pamela Anderson at a USO tour. 250 and wearing a fucking thong! I never even knew they made sexy undies that big. (Of course in her case they weren't sexy.) I swear to god, her waist band was as big as the fucking Equator, and her ass crack wasn't a moon, it was a total eclipse.

I was in awe when I left, and when I came home I saw the listing for Celebrity Fit Club, and thought she may have been one of the participants. Because I don’t have a fucking clue who half the people who appear on it are.

So why do they call this show Celebrity Fit Club? Who on this show is a celebrity?

A person who was on it twice in the past seasons was Wendy, a.k.a. "The Snapple Lady." How is she a star? She did an ad campaign years ago for a drink that took off because people were tired of drinking soda. But hell, if she's on this show, why not find the Maytag Repair man and see if he's put on some weight. Shit, get the Pillsbury Doughboy on this program and have him do some sit ups, because everyone knows who he is. Oh, what is funny about Wendy is she used to hawk Diet Snapple. But you know she never drank it, because if she did, she may have shed some poundage and not spent two seasons on VH1.

So here is the new line-up. Kevin Federline, Shar Jackson, Bobby Brown, Nicole Eggert, Kaycee Stroh, Tanisha Thomas, Jay M. Carrol and Sebastian Bach.

Honestly, I only know who half of these people are and that is sad, because I am somewhat of an Idiot Savant when it comes to pop-culture shit. Hell, I can name all the members of the rock band The Cars, without even looking at the back of a CD cover. (Ric Ocasek, the late Benjamin Orr, Elliot Easton, Greg Hawkes and David Robinson.)

I can also name the cast of Welcome Back Kotter without checking Wikipedia. (Gabe Kaplan, Marcia Strassman, John Travolta, Robert Hegyeys, Ron Palillo and Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs.) So basically, I pretty much know my shit. (I also know that Deralee Scott played Hot Seat Totsee and Charles Fleishcer, the voice of Roger Rabbit, played Carvelli.)

Those let’s breakdown the cast of these celebrities and find out what makes them call themselves that. (Maybe they are D or F list celebrities, maybe I’ve lost my hipness.)

Kevin Federline – He was married to Brittany Spears and when she had her fucking melt down he really rose to the forefront. Celebrity? No. Tabloid fodder? Yes. He gained his fame for marrying and knocking up a pop star.

Hell, he even did a McDonald's commercial during the Super Bowl mocking his fame, but this does not make him a fucking celebrity!

Years ago he was on the cover of a magazine called Details and it really bothered me. And the title on the cover read, “Introducing Mr. Brittany Spears.” And to make things worse, was that he was holding her dog. A dog the media had talked about because it had a feud with Paris Hilton's dog. Who cares about these fucking dogs! Benji, Morris the Cat, Mr. Ed, they were celebrities! Not these small if you can call them dogs, more like rats with a rich mom, type of pets.

When I received that issue in the mail, I placed my anger into a letter to the editors of Details. It never got published, but here it is.

Guys from Details,
I have subscribed to your magazine for a few years. I also subscribe to Esquire, LA Magazine and Men’s Health. (Not Maxim. Because that’s for a guy who doesn’t have the balls to get Playboy instead.)
Recently I read the article by Kevin Gray about Desperate Housewives, which was an amazing piece of writing. It was upfront, with hints of sarcasm, but honesty was brilliant to me. So I read it and it reminded me why I subscribe to your magazine.
But then I looked back on the cover of that issue, and excuse the foul language, but I saw that cunt, Kevin Federline. A no talent motherfucker who has no right to privilege a cover of a magazine that Sean Penn, George Clooney and many others have been on. And it really disappointed me.
It’s a given, I'm a cynical fuck. But you guys really pissed me off having Federline’s wife, interrupting his talk with the writer. It took me back to seeing that piece of slunk meat named Bridgette Nielson disrespecting Public Enemy on Strange Love. And now you are treating K-Fed like he is some kind of royalty. Basically, he's a fucking dancer and she's waiting to be Paula Abdul in 10 years.
My point is, keep up your great work and publishing Kevin Gray's work, but don't be putting jerk-offs like Ferderline on the cover. (What's next, if Dustin Diamond marries Ashlee Simpson, are u gonna put Screech on the cover?) Sorry for the rant, but had to share me being pissed.

That was a letter from years ago, but as you see he isn’t and never has been a celebrity. Now he is just a fat ass hasbeen who is trying to make a comeback. (Like the rest of the new cast.)

To be continued...