I live in California now. A place where marijuana has been legalized and I don’t have a problem with it. I love when people come out against this law and say how smoking pot can lead to health problems. Hey assholes, it is legalized for people who are in pain. If you want to outlaw something because it causes health problems, I have two words for you…junk food! Think about the shape the person is in who will scarf down Twinkies, Big Macs and Fresca! Tax the shit out of Kit Kats, Suzy-Q’s and Jolt Cola and see what will happen to our deficit! Oh and keep it away from the kids and throw out the video games and see how quick this country stops being the capital of obesity!
The funny thing about medical marijuana is how easy it is to get. Originally it was for people with glaucoma or very advanced cancer and it was for medicinal purpose. But now it is a sham. Someone can walk into a dispensary where there is a doctor on duty. The doctor asks what bothers you and then fills out a prescription card for you. I love when people can buy it after they say they suffer from anxiety! Guess what? Welcome to my life and almost everyone I knows lives. Just say you want to get high, that’s all. Or when the doctor asks you what you are suffering from, bang your hand on the fucking table and tell him your knuckles hurt.
The good thing about medical marijuana is the names they give to it. What creative marketing. (Actually it isn’t. Hell you could call this stuff bloody anal cyst and people would still buy it. “Hey man, pass the bong of retarded monkey feces. It is good shit!”)
Trainwreck, Purple Voodoo, Mango Og, Purple LA Confidential, White Widow, Purple Urkle, Old Skool, Snowcap. Cool fucking names and very seductive. Oh and they also have different varieties of food products now. You can get cookies, brownies, pizza, even tortillas with cannabis. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. You can get high and cure your munchies in one step. Damn, society has become lazy!
I know people who smoke this stuff everyday. And damn that is impressive. I tried some of this medical stuff and I did not feel any pain, except for my stomach from laughing so hard. Honestly, I don’t know how people can function on a daily basis when they spark up every morning. People work when they are stoned. I used to be a waiter and could never work that way, if I did it wouldn’t be a pretty sight. I would have been trying to take an order and then just start cracking up. And when I checked back to see how their food was, I would have been staring at their plate. “Hey, Dude. That looks good. You gonna eat that? Don’t bogart, man!”
Before I continue about marijuana I want to talk about something that recently showed up at a party I was at. (Interestingly at this get together a lot of people were passing around the medical marijuana. But I was a good boy and didn’t partake.) A friend of mine pulled out this tin. I looked like a very small shoe polish container or something that would hold Nivea face cream in it. He had purchased it at a gas station and it is totally legal. It was called Salvia.
If you aren’t familiar and I wasn’t either, Salvia is a psychoactive herb which can induce dissociate effects for a short time. So a friend of mine decides to try it. I was thinking, I might too, I mean it is legal after all. So I tell him that I will wait and see how it effects him before I smoke some.
I go out to get a beer from the patio and then I hear commotion from the kitchen. I run inside to see what is happening and the guy who tried this legal herb, Salvia is on the floor passed out and snoring like a baby who just had a good meal of breast milk. He is snoring away and everyone doesn’t know what to do. Is he in a coma? Should we call 911? It was a scary moment, but he finally woke up after five minutes and was fine. The person who wasn’t fine, was the guy who brought the Salvia to the party. The whole time this was going on he was thinking, “Holy shit, I’m going to jail for homicide by way of Salvia!”
To be continued...
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Marijuana and Me - Part 3
The only other experience I had with California weed before I moved out west was with the same guy in college. He called himself The Cowboy, even though he grew up at the Jersey Shore. He wore a Stevie Ray Vaughn hat, western shirts, Wrangler jeans and boots. He told us that he had tripped acid over 65 times. Which he also informed us, makes you legally insane. Oh, and he was a big dude, so no one would ever fuck with him, especially after finding out LSD made him certifiably crazy! (One thing that blew was that he was one of the only guys in our dorm with a car but we were afraid to drive with him. He told us he would sometimes have flashbacks when driving and not be sure what color the traffic light was. Thanks, but no thanks. I will walk.)
Now I remember that night when I tried the California Sense for the second time. He walked by the open door of my room, popped his head in and asked if I wanted to get stoned. Why not, it was the weekend. So he gets his bong and packs it tight with that mind blowing product from California. We both take a few hits of it and then it hits me like a brick in the fucking head! I actually think I was nearly in a coma! Shit I was so fucking stoned, I broke out into a cold sweat and actually thought I was going to die. I saw the ghosts of semesters past and semesters present! And of course you start getting paranoid and weird thoughts go through you head. I kept thinking that it was either a dream or I was actually dead and stuck in Purgatory. And if I was dead, how embarrassed my parents would be when they found out their son died from smoking weed! Not the typical overdose. Not heroin, not cocaine, not too much alcohol, but weed! Who the fuck has ever died from that? (Oh, I don't know how someone can do heroin. I could never put a needle in my arm. Hell, I can even watch it on television when someone gets a needle put in their arm. Thank god I'm not diabetic and need insulin everyday.)
Needless to say, The Cowboy loved it. He laughed his ass of as I rolled up into a fetal position and drooled on my pillow. Every time we would be out somewhere he would have to tell the story of me being pale as a ghost and almost coming to the point of whimpering like a baby. Oh and whenever I would walk by his room and he was lighting up, he would say, “Hey Coop, wanna get stoned?” Then he would go into this crazy laugh that sounded like a mixture of a really high person and Satan.
I never smoked pot in college again after that, and thank god The Cowboy transferred the next semester, because that ended his constant, but well deserved ball busting of the whole situation.
To be continued...
Now I remember that night when I tried the California Sense for the second time. He walked by the open door of my room, popped his head in and asked if I wanted to get stoned. Why not, it was the weekend. So he gets his bong and packs it tight with that mind blowing product from California. We both take a few hits of it and then it hits me like a brick in the fucking head! I actually think I was nearly in a coma! Shit I was so fucking stoned, I broke out into a cold sweat and actually thought I was going to die. I saw the ghosts of semesters past and semesters present! And of course you start getting paranoid and weird thoughts go through you head. I kept thinking that it was either a dream or I was actually dead and stuck in Purgatory. And if I was dead, how embarrassed my parents would be when they found out their son died from smoking weed! Not the typical overdose. Not heroin, not cocaine, not too much alcohol, but weed! Who the fuck has ever died from that? (Oh, I don't know how someone can do heroin. I could never put a needle in my arm. Hell, I can even watch it on television when someone gets a needle put in their arm. Thank god I'm not diabetic and need insulin everyday.)
Needless to say, The Cowboy loved it. He laughed his ass of as I rolled up into a fetal position and drooled on my pillow. Every time we would be out somewhere he would have to tell the story of me being pale as a ghost and almost coming to the point of whimpering like a baby. Oh and whenever I would walk by his room and he was lighting up, he would say, “Hey Coop, wanna get stoned?” Then he would go into this crazy laugh that sounded like a mixture of a really high person and Satan.
I never smoked pot in college again after that, and thank god The Cowboy transferred the next semester, because that ended his constant, but well deserved ball busting of the whole situation.
To be continued...
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Marijuana and Me - Part 2
The thing is, Jersey weed was cheap and not that strong. I remember in college when we would have a weekly smoke out night. What that was, was a bunch of us would go into a dorm room and put a towel under the door so no smoke could get out. Then we would load up bongs, bowls have some joints and just pass it around. See that, college is a team building and networking experience.
We had one guy in the dorm that would get real strong shit. Stuff we weren’t used to. He’d get Hash. Yup, Hash. We never had tried it and couldn’t believe how it was smoked. If you aren’t familiar, it is pretty much in a clay form. So you would put a little ball of it on a pin that was piercing through some cardboard and then put a glass over it. After it was lit, the glass would fill up and you would uncup it and inhale it. See that you do learn something new everyday if you try.
Now this guy would also bring something called Thai stick. I had no idea what it was back then, so I recently looked it up. Thai stick is buds of seedless marijuana which are skewered on stems and rumored to be dipped in opium. So we’d be passing that around, the hash in the glass around, some jersey shit weed around and having a grand old time! Then this guy pulls out something he called California Sensi. Good old California Sensimilla. (In the movie Caddyshack, that’s what Bill Murray is smoking with Chevy Chase. Murray says, “This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensimilla. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.”) We had no fucking idea where he got it from, but it was amazing. This stuff was so strong it knocked all our socks off. I remember just lying on the floor and not being able to move. I lived in room 106 and had to stay the night in room 101 because I was fucking paralyzed.
To be continued...
We had one guy in the dorm that would get real strong shit. Stuff we weren’t used to. He’d get Hash. Yup, Hash. We never had tried it and couldn’t believe how it was smoked. If you aren’t familiar, it is pretty much in a clay form. So you would put a little ball of it on a pin that was piercing through some cardboard and then put a glass over it. After it was lit, the glass would fill up and you would uncup it and inhale it. See that you do learn something new everyday if you try.
Now this guy would also bring something called Thai stick. I had no idea what it was back then, so I recently looked it up. Thai stick is buds of seedless marijuana which are skewered on stems and rumored to be dipped in opium. So we’d be passing that around, the hash in the glass around, some jersey shit weed around and having a grand old time! Then this guy pulls out something he called California Sensi. Good old California Sensimilla. (In the movie Caddyshack, that’s what Bill Murray is smoking with Chevy Chase. Murray says, “This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensimilla. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.”) We had no fucking idea where he got it from, but it was amazing. This stuff was so strong it knocked all our socks off. I remember just lying on the floor and not being able to move. I lived in room 106 and had to stay the night in room 101 because I was fucking paralyzed.
To be continued...
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Marijuana and Me - Part 1
Well, let us put it this way, I’m not a big marijuana smoker. It’s not that I have anything against it, it is just the fact I can’t handle it. Now I not saying I never have smoked it, because I have, but it is maybe a five times a year occurrence.
It was different when I was in college and high school. Oh, shit I just admitted I have smoked and inhaled it. Well, technically I never said I did inhale it, but if I didn’t I would be a fucking idiot. (I wouldn't get high and I would be wasting someone’s good doobage. Would be better off being pretensious and smoking a fucking clove cigarette! FYI, doobage is a word that I learned from the movie The Breakfast Club. Bender, played by Judd Nelson, said, “Ahab where’s my doobage!”)
Oh well, I guess I can’t run for President now. Cause I have tried the wacky tobacky. Plus I have so many skeletons in my closet, Dexter Morgan would tap me on my back and give me props and a hug. I mean, shit, you know how they have those mud slinging commercials around election time? They are usually about thirty seconds, but mine could be a fucking hour long documentary!
Anyway, back to marijuana. I think the reason I can’t handle the stuff is because I grew up in NJ and we would smoke the Jersey dirt weed. It was some leaves mixed with stems and seeds. (The funny thing is, when you would not clean your pot well, a seed would end up in your pipe and would pop just as you would inhale. It could scare the fucking shit out of you.) So I never really built up my tolerance for strong dope.
I will tell you one thing about cleaning weed back in the day. The best way to do it was by using the album Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon.” What was great about that was it opens like a double album, but only had one album in it. (So you wouldn’t have to worry about the second album falling out.) Basically, you would start off at the top of the opened album cover and drop your weed onto it. Then you would get a 3 x 5 card and scrape the weed so the seeds would all roll into the album crease. Fucking brilliant! Oh and you could hide your weed in the album and put it in the middle of all your other albums and your parents would never find it.
(FYI, it was also a good thing that Dark Side of the Moon was a great album to listen to when stoned. The one thing I never understood was when people said you could line it up in sync with The Wizard of Oz and they would perfectly match up. Well my question is, how would you know when it was actually in sync? Especially if you were stoned? I guess it is just one of those Urban Myths, like the one I heard growing up about a Philly Newscaster getting a gerbil stuck up his ass. What was amazing about that load of crap was that everyone you knew had a relative that worked at the hospital that he went to. And they all would name a different place where their relatives worked. So I’m guessing he went to ten fucking hospitals, because no doctor knew the correct approach to getting a rodent out of a bung hole! Oh, this is another reason I don’t smoke weed a lot, because I tend to over analyze stuff in my everyday life. So just think what I would be like stoned! Fuck, I could attempt to write a fortune cookie and it would end up as long as Crime and Punishment!)
To be continued...
It was different when I was in college and high school. Oh, shit I just admitted I have smoked and inhaled it. Well, technically I never said I did inhale it, but if I didn’t I would be a fucking idiot. (I wouldn't get high and I would be wasting someone’s good doobage. Would be better off being pretensious and smoking a fucking clove cigarette! FYI, doobage is a word that I learned from the movie The Breakfast Club. Bender, played by Judd Nelson, said, “Ahab where’s my doobage!”)
Oh well, I guess I can’t run for President now. Cause I have tried the wacky tobacky. Plus I have so many skeletons in my closet, Dexter Morgan would tap me on my back and give me props and a hug. I mean, shit, you know how they have those mud slinging commercials around election time? They are usually about thirty seconds, but mine could be a fucking hour long documentary!
Anyway, back to marijuana. I think the reason I can’t handle the stuff is because I grew up in NJ and we would smoke the Jersey dirt weed. It was some leaves mixed with stems and seeds. (The funny thing is, when you would not clean your pot well, a seed would end up in your pipe and would pop just as you would inhale. It could scare the fucking shit out of you.) So I never really built up my tolerance for strong dope.
I will tell you one thing about cleaning weed back in the day. The best way to do it was by using the album Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon.” What was great about that was it opens like a double album, but only had one album in it. (So you wouldn’t have to worry about the second album falling out.) Basically, you would start off at the top of the opened album cover and drop your weed onto it. Then you would get a 3 x 5 card and scrape the weed so the seeds would all roll into the album crease. Fucking brilliant! Oh and you could hide your weed in the album and put it in the middle of all your other albums and your parents would never find it.
(FYI, it was also a good thing that Dark Side of the Moon was a great album to listen to when stoned. The one thing I never understood was when people said you could line it up in sync with The Wizard of Oz and they would perfectly match up. Well my question is, how would you know when it was actually in sync? Especially if you were stoned? I guess it is just one of those Urban Myths, like the one I heard growing up about a Philly Newscaster getting a gerbil stuck up his ass. What was amazing about that load of crap was that everyone you knew had a relative that worked at the hospital that he went to. And they all would name a different place where their relatives worked. So I’m guessing he went to ten fucking hospitals, because no doctor knew the correct approach to getting a rodent out of a bung hole! Oh, this is another reason I don’t smoke weed a lot, because I tend to over analyze stuff in my everyday life. So just think what I would be like stoned! Fuck, I could attempt to write a fortune cookie and it would end up as long as Crime and Punishment!)
To be continued...
The New Celebrity Fit Club - Conclusion
OK, here we go again! It is time to review the final four members of this stellar and award-winning cast! (Yes, I am mocking!)
Kaycee Stroh: Knock, knock. Who is there? Not a fucking clue who this person is. So once again, time to Wikipedia it.
I found out that she was in all the High School Musical movies. Now put it this way. I am over forty years old and have no children. If I knew who Kaycee was, that would be really fucking creepy! Creepier than that guy that sits down on the stool right next to you at the bar, when there is a bunch of other seats open. He could have sat anywhere, but no, he doesn't. The guy seems cool at first after small talk, but after a few pops he ends up being some misogynistic, racist jerk-off. So I am glad I had no idea who she was. (And why can't that creepy guy leave me alone?)
A funny thing about her is, she is a plus sized model and spokesperson for a certain clothing company called Torrid. So in my eyes if she is a representative for this company, why the fuck is she going on a show to lose weight? Basically she will lose a chunk of ass and a chunk of change!
Tanisha Thomas: Well I checked Wikipedia for her, because once again, not a fucking clue! How is this person a celebrity? She doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page about her. Now I did learn she was on a show called The Bad Girls Club. What kind of title is that? It reminds me of the movie Bad Boys. (Not the one with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. The one from 1983, starring Sean Penn, Esai Morales and Ally Sheedy. It was about a boy’s prison, with one of the best scenes being Sean Penn beating the shit out of a guy with a pillow case full of soda cans.)
Well, here is what I know about The Bad Girls Club. (Well this is what I cut and pasted about it.) The show follows seven women with a number of mental, anger, personal and psychological problems - deemed "bad girls" - as they live together for four months.
That sounds like the feel good show of the year! But I still haven’t found out anything about Tanisha, except for the fact that she is fat and appears to be fucked in the head!
Jay M. Carrol: Honestly? Could not find a fucking thing about who this guy is. Googled him and some computer designer’s name came up. I believe he was on the show Project Runway. That’s great, a fat fashion designer. Well, at least the portly short sizes may be hipper now.
Sebastian Bach: When I heard he was going to be on this show, I was pretty astonished. I actually do dig his old band, Skid Row. They had some great songs back in the day and jammed hard.
He also starred in the stage production of Jekyll & Hyde and was on a classic VH1 show called Super Group. (Of course in that show he acted like a little bitch the whole time and didn’t want to change his image. He needed to keep on living in the 80's. I was actually hoping Ted Nugent who grab a cross boy and shut Sebastian up.)
That is why I am astonished he is on Celebrity Fit Club. Because that is a really big image change. How do you go from a long haired, tight jean wearing, sleeveless shirt stick figure, to someone that needs to lose a bunch of weight? It’s like going from Tommy Lee to David Crosby.
The sad thing is? I will end up watching this show and not even feel guilty for doing it!
Kaycee Stroh: Knock, knock. Who is there? Not a fucking clue who this person is. So once again, time to Wikipedia it.
I found out that she was in all the High School Musical movies. Now put it this way. I am over forty years old and have no children. If I knew who Kaycee was, that would be really fucking creepy! Creepier than that guy that sits down on the stool right next to you at the bar, when there is a bunch of other seats open. He could have sat anywhere, but no, he doesn't. The guy seems cool at first after small talk, but after a few pops he ends up being some misogynistic, racist jerk-off. So I am glad I had no idea who she was. (And why can't that creepy guy leave me alone?)
A funny thing about her is, she is a plus sized model and spokesperson for a certain clothing company called Torrid. So in my eyes if she is a representative for this company, why the fuck is she going on a show to lose weight? Basically she will lose a chunk of ass and a chunk of change!
Tanisha Thomas: Well I checked Wikipedia for her, because once again, not a fucking clue! How is this person a celebrity? She doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page about her. Now I did learn she was on a show called The Bad Girls Club. What kind of title is that? It reminds me of the movie Bad Boys. (Not the one with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. The one from 1983, starring Sean Penn, Esai Morales and Ally Sheedy. It was about a boy’s prison, with one of the best scenes being Sean Penn beating the shit out of a guy with a pillow case full of soda cans.)
Well, here is what I know about The Bad Girls Club. (Well this is what I cut and pasted about it.) The show follows seven women with a number of mental, anger, personal and psychological problems - deemed "bad girls" - as they live together for four months.
That sounds like the feel good show of the year! But I still haven’t found out anything about Tanisha, except for the fact that she is fat and appears to be fucked in the head!
Jay M. Carrol: Honestly? Could not find a fucking thing about who this guy is. Googled him and some computer designer’s name came up. I believe he was on the show Project Runway. That’s great, a fat fashion designer. Well, at least the portly short sizes may be hipper now.
Sebastian Bach: When I heard he was going to be on this show, I was pretty astonished. I actually do dig his old band, Skid Row. They had some great songs back in the day and jammed hard.
He also starred in the stage production of Jekyll & Hyde and was on a classic VH1 show called Super Group. (Of course in that show he acted like a little bitch the whole time and didn’t want to change his image. He needed to keep on living in the 80's. I was actually hoping Ted Nugent who grab a cross boy and shut Sebastian up.)
That is why I am astonished he is on Celebrity Fit Club. Because that is a really big image change. How do you go from a long haired, tight jean wearing, sleeveless shirt stick figure, to someone that needs to lose a bunch of weight? It’s like going from Tommy Lee to David Crosby.
The sad thing is? I will end up watching this show and not even feel guilty for doing it!
Monday, October 26, 2009
The New Celebrity Fit Club - Part 2
So now let’s take a look at these other celebrities that will grace the screen and get yelled at by Dr. Harvey when they haven’t lost weight or act like a douche bag, just like Screech did one season.
Shar Jackson: Well, first off I had no idea who this was, so I had to Google her. Didn’t know that she was a she until I got the Google results. The name sounds like she could be a male rapper, a soap star or the offspring of Randy Jackson from American Idol.
She had small parts in Moesha and the Bernie Mac show and co-starred in the movie Good Burger. Are you fucking joking me? That makes her a celebrity? No, that makes her barely more than an extra with a speaking part. Oh, here is what makes her a celebrity. She is the Baby Mama to two of Federline’s kids. OK. It was bad enough that Federline rode the coat tails of someone to become a celebrity, but now someone is riding his coat tails? This is some kind of fucked Transitive Property in mathematics. You remember, if A=B and B=C, then A=C. So Spears=Federline, and Federline=Jackson, then Spears=Jackson? Don’t think so. Unlike the other two, Spears actually has some talent. We will look for this Char on Celebrity Rehab or some other show where she can get a role, because believe me, if she made a movie, it would go straight to Beta!
Bobby Brown: At first I thought it was the hot blonde Bobby Brown who starred in Warrant’s Cherry Pie Video. (That would be ironic, because she dated Warrant’s lead singer, Jani Lane. He also appeared on Celebrity Fit Club one season.) If it was her on the show, it would be sad, because no one could ever look at the video the same again. It would lose all it's sex appeal. (Just like when Kelly LeBrock was on the show. I can’t view Weird Science or The Woman in Red the way I used to!)
I then found out, it was Bobby Brown. Yes, the Bobby Brown who was in New Edition, was a pop superstar and was married to Whitney Houston. What the fuck happened to him? I guess His Prerogative was to eat a bunch of Twinkies and fast food! This guy was a huge, huge star. He was selling out arenas, but I guess now he is buying concessions from arenas! (In mass quanities!)
What I don’t understand is, how did he get overweight? He was always in great shape in his younger age. Putting on a great stage show and dancing up a storm! Talk about falling apart. Oh and he was a cocaine addict. What coke head becomes a fat ass? That is like getting the full experience of acid if you are color blind!
I can tell you this. I bet Whitney is laughing her ass off at him these days. (Which would be like throwing rocks at a glass house, because she is pretty fucked up too!) She probably is thinking to herself, “Try to hit me now jerk off, you aren’t nearly as quick as when you were in shape. I would go medieval on your ass, you bloated cow!”
Nicole Eggert: OK, she was a celebrity, but that was when cassette tapes were also popular. She was on Charles in Charge, and that worries me a bit. The reason for worry is she is going to be on Celebrity Fit Club and Willie Ames another co-star of that show, was also on it. So who is next? Scott Fucking Baio? If he becomes an adult sized Oompa Loompa, it will suck! Shit, he was Chachi. (And was way to good looking to date Joanie! She was a piece of slunk meat.)
Nicole was also on Baywatch. How does a woman who played a beach beauty go to being a beached whale? I mean shit, if she put on her old red bathing suit from that show, she would look like a tic who sucked to much blood about to explode! Put it this way, Hasselholff is 57 years old and you wouldn’t catch him dead on Fit Club! (And that fucker sits on the floor trying to eat cheeseburgers when he is hammered! You can Youtbe it.)
Oh a little known fact. Nicole went out with Corey Haim. That asshole should be on a VH1 show. I mean he isn’t a train wreck about to happen, he is one that has crashed and been rebuilt about ten times. (He is a young version of Gary Busey!)
To be continued…
Shar Jackson: Well, first off I had no idea who this was, so I had to Google her. Didn’t know that she was a she until I got the Google results. The name sounds like she could be a male rapper, a soap star or the offspring of Randy Jackson from American Idol.
She had small parts in Moesha and the Bernie Mac show and co-starred in the movie Good Burger. Are you fucking joking me? That makes her a celebrity? No, that makes her barely more than an extra with a speaking part. Oh, here is what makes her a celebrity. She is the Baby Mama to two of Federline’s kids. OK. It was bad enough that Federline rode the coat tails of someone to become a celebrity, but now someone is riding his coat tails? This is some kind of fucked Transitive Property in mathematics. You remember, if A=B and B=C, then A=C. So Spears=Federline, and Federline=Jackson, then Spears=Jackson? Don’t think so. Unlike the other two, Spears actually has some talent. We will look for this Char on Celebrity Rehab or some other show where she can get a role, because believe me, if she made a movie, it would go straight to Beta!
Bobby Brown: At first I thought it was the hot blonde Bobby Brown who starred in Warrant’s Cherry Pie Video. (That would be ironic, because she dated Warrant’s lead singer, Jani Lane. He also appeared on Celebrity Fit Club one season.) If it was her on the show, it would be sad, because no one could ever look at the video the same again. It would lose all it's sex appeal. (Just like when Kelly LeBrock was on the show. I can’t view Weird Science or The Woman in Red the way I used to!)
I then found out, it was Bobby Brown. Yes, the Bobby Brown who was in New Edition, was a pop superstar and was married to Whitney Houston. What the fuck happened to him? I guess His Prerogative was to eat a bunch of Twinkies and fast food! This guy was a huge, huge star. He was selling out arenas, but I guess now he is buying concessions from arenas! (In mass quanities!)
What I don’t understand is, how did he get overweight? He was always in great shape in his younger age. Putting on a great stage show and dancing up a storm! Talk about falling apart. Oh and he was a cocaine addict. What coke head becomes a fat ass? That is like getting the full experience of acid if you are color blind!
I can tell you this. I bet Whitney is laughing her ass off at him these days. (Which would be like throwing rocks at a glass house, because she is pretty fucked up too!) She probably is thinking to herself, “Try to hit me now jerk off, you aren’t nearly as quick as when you were in shape. I would go medieval on your ass, you bloated cow!”
Nicole Eggert: OK, she was a celebrity, but that was when cassette tapes were also popular. She was on Charles in Charge, and that worries me a bit. The reason for worry is she is going to be on Celebrity Fit Club and Willie Ames another co-star of that show, was also on it. So who is next? Scott Fucking Baio? If he becomes an adult sized Oompa Loompa, it will suck! Shit, he was Chachi. (And was way to good looking to date Joanie! She was a piece of slunk meat.)
Nicole was also on Baywatch. How does a woman who played a beach beauty go to being a beached whale? I mean shit, if she put on her old red bathing suit from that show, she would look like a tic who sucked to much blood about to explode! Put it this way, Hasselholff is 57 years old and you wouldn’t catch him dead on Fit Club! (And that fucker sits on the floor trying to eat cheeseburgers when he is hammered! You can Youtbe it.)
Oh a little known fact. Nicole went out with Corey Haim. That asshole should be on a VH1 show. I mean he isn’t a train wreck about to happen, he is one that has crashed and been rebuilt about ten times. (He is a young version of Gary Busey!)
To be continued…
Monday, October 5, 2009
The New Celebrity Fit Club
I recently read online the upcoming cast for the VH1 show called Celebrity Fit Club. The only reason I even acknowledged it was because of something I saw the other night.
I was at a bar for a drink and the girl three seats down from me had her thong showing. No big deal, we see that all the time. I mean if you go out and don’t get a underwear shot, something must be wrong. It is a trend these days just like a woman being with another woman was a few years ago. (In fact, I think that may have been a college prerequisite.)
But the problem with this thong viewing was, she, and I'm being honest, weighed over 250 pounds. She was huge and was showing herself off like Pamela Anderson at a USO tour. 250 and wearing a fucking thong! I never even knew they made sexy undies that big. (Of course in her case they weren't sexy.) I swear to god, her waist band was as big as the fucking Equator, and her ass crack wasn't a moon, it was a total eclipse.
I was in awe when I left, and when I came home I saw the listing for Celebrity Fit Club, and thought she may have been one of the participants. Because I don’t have a fucking clue who half the people who appear on it are.
So why do they call this show Celebrity Fit Club? Who on this show is a celebrity?
A person who was on it twice in the past seasons was Wendy, a.k.a. "The Snapple Lady." How is she a star? She did an ad campaign years ago for a drink that took off because people were tired of drinking soda. But hell, if she's on this show, why not find the Maytag Repair man and see if he's put on some weight. Shit, get the Pillsbury Doughboy on this program and have him do some sit ups, because everyone knows who he is. Oh, what is funny about Wendy is she used to hawk Diet Snapple. But you know she never drank it, because if she did, she may have shed some poundage and not spent two seasons on VH1.
So here is the new line-up. Kevin Federline, Shar Jackson, Bobby Brown, Nicole Eggert, Kaycee Stroh, Tanisha Thomas, Jay M. Carrol and Sebastian Bach.
Honestly, I only know who half of these people are and that is sad, because I am somewhat of an Idiot Savant when it comes to pop-culture shit. Hell, I can name all the members of the rock band The Cars, without even looking at the back of a CD cover. (Ric Ocasek, the late Benjamin Orr, Elliot Easton, Greg Hawkes and David Robinson.)
I can also name the cast of Welcome Back Kotter without checking Wikipedia. (Gabe Kaplan, Marcia Strassman, John Travolta, Robert Hegyeys, Ron Palillo and Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs.) So basically, I pretty much know my shit. (I also know that Deralee Scott played Hot Seat Totsee and Charles Fleishcer, the voice of Roger Rabbit, played Carvelli.)
Those let’s breakdown the cast of these celebrities and find out what makes them call themselves that. (Maybe they are D or F list celebrities, maybe I’ve lost my hipness.)
Kevin Federline – He was married to Brittany Spears and when she had her fucking melt down he really rose to the forefront. Celebrity? No. Tabloid fodder? Yes. He gained his fame for marrying and knocking up a pop star.
Hell, he even did a McDonald's commercial during the Super Bowl mocking his fame, but this does not make him a fucking celebrity!
Years ago he was on the cover of a magazine called Details and it really bothered me. And the title on the cover read, “Introducing Mr. Brittany Spears.” And to make things worse, was that he was holding her dog. A dog the media had talked about because it had a feud with Paris Hilton's dog. Who cares about these fucking dogs! Benji, Morris the Cat, Mr. Ed, they were celebrities! Not these small if you can call them dogs, more like rats with a rich mom, type of pets.
When I received that issue in the mail, I placed my anger into a letter to the editors of Details. It never got published, but here it is.
Guys from Details,
I have subscribed to your magazine for a few years. I also subscribe to Esquire, LA Magazine and Men’s Health. (Not Maxim. Because that’s for a guy who doesn’t have the balls to get Playboy instead.)
Recently I read the article by Kevin Gray about Desperate Housewives, which was an amazing piece of writing. It was upfront, with hints of sarcasm, but honesty was brilliant to me. So I read it and it reminded me why I subscribe to your magazine.
But then I looked back on the cover of that issue, and excuse the foul language, but I saw that cunt, Kevin Federline. A no talent motherfucker who has no right to privilege a cover of a magazine that Sean Penn, George Clooney and many others have been on. And it really disappointed me.
It’s a given, I'm a cynical fuck. But you guys really pissed me off having Federline’s wife, interrupting his talk with the writer. It took me back to seeing that piece of slunk meat named Bridgette Nielson disrespecting Public Enemy on Strange Love. And now you are treating K-Fed like he is some kind of royalty. Basically, he's a fucking dancer and she's waiting to be Paula Abdul in 10 years.
My point is, keep up your great work and publishing Kevin Gray's work, but don't be putting jerk-offs like Ferderline on the cover. (What's next, if Dustin Diamond marries Ashlee Simpson, are u gonna put Screech on the cover?) Sorry for the rant, but had to share me being pissed.
That was a letter from years ago, but as you see he isn’t and never has been a celebrity. Now he is just a fat ass hasbeen who is trying to make a comeback. (Like the rest of the new cast.)
To be continued...
I was at a bar for a drink and the girl three seats down from me had her thong showing. No big deal, we see that all the time. I mean if you go out and don’t get a underwear shot, something must be wrong. It is a trend these days just like a woman being with another woman was a few years ago. (In fact, I think that may have been a college prerequisite.)
But the problem with this thong viewing was, she, and I'm being honest, weighed over 250 pounds. She was huge and was showing herself off like Pamela Anderson at a USO tour. 250 and wearing a fucking thong! I never even knew they made sexy undies that big. (Of course in her case they weren't sexy.) I swear to god, her waist band was as big as the fucking Equator, and her ass crack wasn't a moon, it was a total eclipse.
I was in awe when I left, and when I came home I saw the listing for Celebrity Fit Club, and thought she may have been one of the participants. Because I don’t have a fucking clue who half the people who appear on it are.
So why do they call this show Celebrity Fit Club? Who on this show is a celebrity?
A person who was on it twice in the past seasons was Wendy, a.k.a. "The Snapple Lady." How is she a star? She did an ad campaign years ago for a drink that took off because people were tired of drinking soda. But hell, if she's on this show, why not find the Maytag Repair man and see if he's put on some weight. Shit, get the Pillsbury Doughboy on this program and have him do some sit ups, because everyone knows who he is. Oh, what is funny about Wendy is she used to hawk Diet Snapple. But you know she never drank it, because if she did, she may have shed some poundage and not spent two seasons on VH1.
So here is the new line-up. Kevin Federline, Shar Jackson, Bobby Brown, Nicole Eggert, Kaycee Stroh, Tanisha Thomas, Jay M. Carrol and Sebastian Bach.
Honestly, I only know who half of these people are and that is sad, because I am somewhat of an Idiot Savant when it comes to pop-culture shit. Hell, I can name all the members of the rock band The Cars, without even looking at the back of a CD cover. (Ric Ocasek, the late Benjamin Orr, Elliot Easton, Greg Hawkes and David Robinson.)
I can also name the cast of Welcome Back Kotter without checking Wikipedia. (Gabe Kaplan, Marcia Strassman, John Travolta, Robert Hegyeys, Ron Palillo and Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs.) So basically, I pretty much know my shit. (I also know that Deralee Scott played Hot Seat Totsee and Charles Fleishcer, the voice of Roger Rabbit, played Carvelli.)
Those let’s breakdown the cast of these celebrities and find out what makes them call themselves that. (Maybe they are D or F list celebrities, maybe I’ve lost my hipness.)
Kevin Federline – He was married to Brittany Spears and when she had her fucking melt down he really rose to the forefront. Celebrity? No. Tabloid fodder? Yes. He gained his fame for marrying and knocking up a pop star.
Hell, he even did a McDonald's commercial during the Super Bowl mocking his fame, but this does not make him a fucking celebrity!
Years ago he was on the cover of a magazine called Details and it really bothered me. And the title on the cover read, “Introducing Mr. Brittany Spears.” And to make things worse, was that he was holding her dog. A dog the media had talked about because it had a feud with Paris Hilton's dog. Who cares about these fucking dogs! Benji, Morris the Cat, Mr. Ed, they were celebrities! Not these small if you can call them dogs, more like rats with a rich mom, type of pets.
When I received that issue in the mail, I placed my anger into a letter to the editors of Details. It never got published, but here it is.
Guys from Details,
I have subscribed to your magazine for a few years. I also subscribe to Esquire, LA Magazine and Men’s Health. (Not Maxim. Because that’s for a guy who doesn’t have the balls to get Playboy instead.)
Recently I read the article by Kevin Gray about Desperate Housewives, which was an amazing piece of writing. It was upfront, with hints of sarcasm, but honesty was brilliant to me. So I read it and it reminded me why I subscribe to your magazine.
But then I looked back on the cover of that issue, and excuse the foul language, but I saw that cunt, Kevin Federline. A no talent motherfucker who has no right to privilege a cover of a magazine that Sean Penn, George Clooney and many others have been on. And it really disappointed me.
It’s a given, I'm a cynical fuck. But you guys really pissed me off having Federline’s wife, interrupting his talk with the writer. It took me back to seeing that piece of slunk meat named Bridgette Nielson disrespecting Public Enemy on Strange Love. And now you are treating K-Fed like he is some kind of royalty. Basically, he's a fucking dancer and she's waiting to be Paula Abdul in 10 years.
My point is, keep up your great work and publishing Kevin Gray's work, but don't be putting jerk-offs like Ferderline on the cover. (What's next, if Dustin Diamond marries Ashlee Simpson, are u gonna put Screech on the cover?) Sorry for the rant, but had to share me being pissed.
That was a letter from years ago, but as you see he isn’t and never has been a celebrity. Now he is just a fat ass hasbeen who is trying to make a comeback. (Like the rest of the new cast.)
To be continued...
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